I am going to talk about a subject that is sensitive for many people who have experienced trauma:  forgiving one’s abuser.

Many of us hold forgiveness up as an ideal.  Our spiritual tradition may teach us to forgive.  We may have been taught to love our enemies, or turn the other cheek.  For some (but not all) people, forgiveness can be healing.  But what does it mean?

Forgiveness does not mean condoning what happened.  It does not mean that the person in question was not responsible for their actions.  Most importantly, it does not in any way diminish the fact that the abuse was deeply and profoundly harmful.  If we choose to forgive, this does not mean taking away our permission to feel whatever we need to feel about the abuse.  This might include grief or outright rage.   All of these feelings are part of the healing process.   It is important to have compassion for ourselves when those feelings come up.

In time, though, comes the realization that we do not want to be swallowed up in anger and grief.  It saps our energy.  It keeps us from noticing the moments of joy, warmth and humor that show up spontaneously in our lives.  While traumatic experiences can change us, they do not define who we are.  Sometimes, forgiveness means choosing to live our lives on our own terms, rather than letting trauma dominate our existence.   When we take time for self-care, we have more energy to have compassion for others.  This may, eventually, include compassion for our abusers.  We may come to a place where we do not wish them harm, or even wish them healing from whatever suffering led them down the wrong path.

In some cases, this can be a spiritual resource.  Compassion feels good!  If a client has a belief that their God wants them to be compassionate, then compassion can feel like a spiritual experience.  I’m 100% in favor of people having as many healthy spiritual experiences as they want to have.  So, if a client comes to a place where they are able to do that, then I offer my full support.

That said, it is important to remember that not everyone reaches this place…and that’s OK. If we can’t forgive, it does not mean that we are unable to heal.  It also does not mean that we are, in some way, less moral or spiritually enlightened than the person who IS able to forgive.  It can be very empowering to say “I choose not to forgive.”  Sometimes, THIS is the statement that allows us to move past the trauma.  It sets a clear boundary, which we may not have been able to set, in the past.  This can be an important step toward healing, because it acknowledges that we have choices, and are NOT powerless.

If somebody you love is recovering from trauma, it is important not to have an agenda about forgiveness.  They will forgive when and IF they are ready.  The most helpful thing you can do is listen, and remind the person that you love them…whatever their choice may be.

Spirituality can be one of the most valuable resources that people have, on their healing journey.  Positive effects of religion on mental health have been well documented.  People who attend religious services have been shown to live an average of 7-14 years longer than people who do not.  The benefits of spiritual community have been so well-recognized that Atheists and free-thinkers are finding ways to build that community for themselves.

It is vitally important for a counselor to support their clients’ spirituality, however they may define or express that.  Most therapists will say that they do this, and for the most part, they are sincere.  They can meet challenges, however, when they run into spiritual practices that are unfamiliar for them.   The therapist may give off a “vibe” of being uncomfortable even when they have good intentions.  This can lead to clients feeling guarded about their spirituality, afraid to discuss it even when it is relevant to their mental health.  It can also lead to them terminating therapy prematurely, and feeling uncomfortable with seeking therapy again.

This is an experience often reported by people who identify as Pagan, Wiccan or Earth-based in their spiritual tradition.   The clinical community has taken some steps in the right direction.  Wicca is becoming more accepted as a spiritual path.  I was pleased to see that the Wings Foundation mentions Wicca in their chapter on Spirituality, in the member handbook.   While I would prefer to see some recognition that not all Pagans are Wiccan, the inclusion reflects an understanding that most alternative religions are life-affirming and supportive.  This is contrary to the dangerous stereotypes perpetuated by a small handful of Christians, who were raised to believe that Pagan ritual is ritual abuse.

For a trauma-informed counselor, the term “ritual abuse” brings up nightmarish visions of unimaginable cruelty.  These images can be haunting.  It can lead us to experiencing a sense of protective outrage on our clients’ behalf.  It can also lead us to have some apprehension when clients mention that they are part of a fringe religious group.  Is it a positive support network, or an abusive cult?  Having worked with members of the Pagan community, I can assure you that it is most likely the former.  That said, reports of abusive groups are not unheard of, and I am always deeply saddened to hear about religious leaders that abuse their power.  These occurrences seem not to discriminate based on tradition.   Abusive acts are perpetrated by Protestant ministers or Catholic priests as well.  Abuse by religious leaders is always unconscionable, and counselors need to have awareness of what does (and does not) constitute an abusive situation.

Here are some things to be aware of:  

-Hierarchies:  If the organization has a “high priest” or “high priestess”, what does the client’s relationship to that person look like?   Most high priests or priestesses earn their title by doing a tremendous amount of personal and spiritual work.  They may provide valuable services such as spiritual mentorship, weddings, baby blessings or rights of passage.   In a healthy group structure, the leader will relate to their duties with dedication and humility.

-Money:  Is the group asking for more money than they need, to keep the organization functioning?  There may be member dues or occasional requests for donations.  This covers the cost of ritual space, supplies and printer ink for educational materials. It is also important to remember that some spiritual teachers spend a tremendous amount of time and energy doing their work.   It is reasonable to charge for classes or other professional services that are offered. However, if the organization demands a huge financial sacrifice on the part of members, this is a red flag.

-Sex:  Many Pagan groups honor sexuality as sacred, when it takes place between consenting adults.  This may very well be a part of ritual, for some people.  It should never be a requirement for initiation or membership in a group.

-Secrecy:  If there is a vow of secrecy, there may be a good reason for it.   Some Pagan organizations involve intense personal work, and this work cannot occur without trust between members.  There is also a widely held belief that revealing details of rituals may interfere with the energy of the group.  If a client does not want to tell you about what happens in ritual, you will need to respect that boundary.

In a sense, all therapists take a vow of secrecy, by virtue of beginning our practices.  We know the damage that can be done by violating our client’s confidentiality.  Sometimes, we all need to be selective about what we share with others.  Empower your client’s decision to be selective, even with you.

Transparency:  There should be some disclosure about why major group decisions are made, where the money goes, and how hierarchies are set up.  Group leaders should be approachable, respectful of dissenting opinions and available for questions.  While decision-making power might not always be “equal”, nobody should be treated as powerless or without value.

Relationship to non-group members:  Be cautious about groups that look down upon other religious traditions, discourage members from joining other groups, or negatively impact relationships with those who are not part of the group.  If your client starts to lose relationships with family or friends after joining the group, concern may be warranted.

Concluding thoughts: 

I would like to call upon all counselors to use common sense, and apply basic clinical skills. Rather than evaluating a client’s spiritual practices based on a conventional understanding of religion, notice how the client relates to those practices.  Do they talk about them with a sense of joy or excitement?  How does their practice affect their lives, outside of ritual?  Does it give them a sense of meaning and contentment?  Remember, spiritual paths can be challenging, but any challenges that the client faces should enhance their lives in some way, even if the benefit is not immediately obvious to you.

Any competent therapist knows what trauma looks like.  They know how to evaluate an abusive relationship.  If the client’s ritual group resembles an abusive relationship, or they return from ritual with trauma symptoms, act accordingly.  Unless these symptoms are showing up, then you have nothing to worry about.

Also, above all, remember that your alternatively spiritual clients are human.  They will experience spiritual doubts and existential angst, just like anybody.  For example, they may question whether the Gods exist.  They may question why the Gods did not protect them from the traumas that occurred.  They may get angry with their Gods, and may need to express that in therapy. Sound familiar?  Any therapist who has dealt with grief knows what it is like to hold the space for a client who is angry at God, the Universe, or whatever higher power they have in their lives.  Your job is not to question their beliefs or hold an agenda about how the internal conflict is resolved. Your job is unconditional positive regard. Everything else is just details.

“Complex” PTSD is well recognized in clinical circles, despite the APA’s refusal to acknowledge it in the DSM-5. This unofficial diagnostic category represented a dramatic shift in our understanding of trauma. It led us to a more compassionate understanding of symptoms that were once dismissed as attempts at manipulation. Even in the early days of my career, some colleagues discouraged me from paying too much attention to clients who engaged in self-harm or expressed recurrent suicidal thoughts. Why? Because there was still the belief that they were just “doing it for attention.” This was a mere 10 years ago. This is an exciting time to be a therapist, when our understanding of trauma is evolving at a rapid pace.

As a general rule, most human beings have a natural biological drive toward health. Self-destructive behavior defies the fundamentally sacred instinct that allows us to grow and evolve as a species. So, why would anybody harm themselves, through self-mutilation, substance abuse or any other high-risk behavior?

The answer: It is precisely because of our fundamental desire to survive that we will employ any and all means to avoid things that feel like death.

For those who do not have complex PTSD, most normal life stressors do not feel like impending doom. Such people have well-regulated nervous systems and a capacity to calm themselves down. They can accept criticism, make mistakes, handle rejection and weather emotional storms that naturally arise from being alive. When you suffer from complex trauma, the emotional reaction to such circumstances is so intense that you may experience emotional shutdown, AKA, dissociation, sometimes manifesting as depersonalization, derealization and a general sense of either feeling like you do not want to exist or already DON’T exist as a real person. In some circumstances, external means of self-soothing must be employed to return to a state of equilibrium. Those who have learned DBT skills or similar interventions may have developed safe ways to calm themselves down. Those who have not learned such skills may resort to behaviors that are a serious threat to themselves or others.

I’ve got two things to say to people who struggle with these compulsions: It’s not your fault, and it does get better.

Complex PTSD does not result from a single traumatic incident. It results from chronic and prolonged exposure to situations perceived as life-threatening. It is impossible for a person to learn how to calm themselves down if they have lived in a world that is never safe. Why calm down? Another threat is just around the corner. In many (if not most) circumstances, the trauma occurred in early childhood, when the vulnerable nervous system was still developing. In cases like this, the nervous system learns to stay in a state of constant agitation and/or shutdown. Many SE practitioners describe this as living with the brakes on and the gas pedal floored at the same time.

I’ll say it again, in case you need to hear it:  It’s not your fault. Congratulations on staying alive. You’re stronger than you think, and the world is better for having you in it.

With regards to “it gets better”, here’s how it happens:

You find a small island of safety. Here’s the trick…it has to be an island that you create for yourself. If it’s conditional on another person constantly being around, it’s not going to feel stable. No matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you, nobody can be around 100% of the time. Actually, your loved ones will be better support people for you if they take time for themselves. So, let your island be something you can control.

No matter how small that island is, let yourself trust it, and enjoy it completely. Five minutes of fresh air? One chapter of a good book? Great. Stop thinking about how it won’t last. Yes, I know it’s hard. Stop, or at least notice the gaps between worrying. I guarantee they are there. Let yourself sink into that island. Watch it grow. The more you attend to that place and nurture it, the larger it will get. I promise.

As you notice what it’s like to feel pleasure, tell yourself that you deserve pleasure. I know, I know…this is hard too. You may need to hear it from a therapist on repeated occasions. Eventually, though, you will find that you start treating yourself like a human being. This leads to the belief that you deserve to be treated like a human being by others around you.

You start to set boundaries. Toxic relationships either become less toxic or fall by the wayside. The friends who matter stick around. New friends come in as you feel more comfortable reaching you to people who are good for you. Your support system widens, and your relationships deepen. You no longer feel like somebody who is constantly in need of help, but you know how to ask for help without feeling ashamed.

This all takes time, and patience with yourself. Therapy will initially focus on getting the self-destructive behaviors under control. DBT or recovery groups may be recommended in addition to individual therapy, if the behaviors are severe. Working on the actual trauma will happen once safety is established. Therapeutic progress is often measured in years, rather than weeks or months. Medication may be necessary, at least on a temporary basis. There will be setbacks. There will be plenty of opportunities to forgive yourself, and learn what it’s like to deserve forgiveness. That, in and of itself, can be a healing experience.

I have one last bit of good news: you made it through this entire article. That probably means you have a sense that some if it is true…and that you can make it. All of the work mentioned above is a lot of work, but you probably have a sense that life is worth it. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be looking up therapists and thinking about getting help.

Congratulations on taking the first step. You can do it.

Often times, new clients come to my office without much prior experience of therapy. Sometimes, I am the first therapist they have ever seen.   Some nervousness is understandable, if you have never been to therapy before. It is not uncommon for me to hear questions like “how do I do this?” or “where do I start?”  There is no need to worry about doing therapy “right”. That said, there are several things you can do to maximize the benefits of your sessions.

–Come early:  Allow yourself some extra time, in case of unexpected delays.  This will ensure that you get the benefit of the full hour, instead of losing precious minutes trying to find a parking space.  This is also a way to help yourself arrive in a calmer state, giving you more energy to focus on the work we do together.

-Come often:  Weekly therapy is usually recommended, at least in the beginning.  Some clients reduce the frequency of their sessions to bi-weekly, as they start to feel better. This is totally fine, and actually a great indication that therapy is serving its purpose.  Regardless of how you choose to set your schedule, it helps keep that schedule consistent and predictable.  This gives therapy a sense of continuity and flow.

-You do not need to rehearse:  Some people set very specific expectations of what a session will look like. Often, these expectations include discussing upsetting or traumatic material.  While telling your story can be important, it can be counterproductive to focus on traumatic memories outside of therapy.  Rehearsing the story can lead to re-living the memory.  This can actually exacerbate PTSD symptoms, rather than healing them.

When you feel ready to work with a traumatic memory, make note of this in a journal (without going into detail) and bring the journal to session.  Then, we can discuss how to work with that memory in a slow, supported way that will not lead to re-traumatization.

-Plan something fun or relaxing after therapy:   Therapy is not always an intensely emotional process, but sometimes it can be.   It is helpful to give yourself a “break” after a session.  If you have a strong sense that you need a walk or maybe a nap, listen to your body and do what you need to do.  If you need time to yourself, turn your phone off.  If you need friends around you, call somebody and go out to dinner.  Of course, it is possible that you will need to return to work, class or other obligations after therapy.  If that is the case, plan a “break” later on, when you have time.  Give yourself something to look forward to.

-Have your own vision for therapy:  Have a clear idea of what you want your life to look like, once therapy is complete.  What has changed?   What type of work are you doing in the world?  What do you do for fun or spiritual fulfillment?  What do your relationships look like?   This vision can change or evolve as therapy progresses, but it is important for that vision to be there.  That way, you can gauge how well therapy is working.  It will also give you a sense of when you are ready to complete therapy, since the decision is ultimately yours.  Your vision may be discussed periodically during the course of therapy, to make sure we are on the same page.

-Talk to your loved ones about therapy:  Nobody heals in isolation.  Discuss your progress with a trusted person who can support your vision for recovery.

-Have a sense of humor:  Therapy does not have to be serious all the time.  After all,  therapy is a human relationship, and healthy relationships involve humor.   Laughter can be a great resource.  Allow yourself to play a little.  You deserve it.

I am filled with musings and ponderings after a week of Advanced Somatic Experiencing training with Steve Hoskinson in Burlingame, CA. My career is a process of lifelong learning, and I always enjoy my  SE workshops. On the surface, they may just seem like opportunities to grow my professional skills.  They are more than that, though.  They are similar to meditation retreats.  I always return feeling renewed and reaffirmed in the intention of my therapeutic practice.

Pretty much any modern therapist will tell you that most of the healing process comes from the client, not the practitioner.  I know that I have said this, time and time again…to the point that it may seem trite.  Right now, however, I am so profoundly aware of the truth of this statement.  It feels appropriate to share this with any clients who may be seeing this…be they past, present or future.

As I have undertaken my private practice journey, I have been continually impressed by the resiliency of the people I work with.  All this SE training sounds complex, but it has taught me essentially one thing: How support people to show up as who they are, and engage in a process of radical self-acceptance.   When people allow themselves to be present with themselves, holding a non-judgemental awareness, it’s amazing what happens.  I see people make healthier choices.  They start eating more nourishing food. They set better boundaries with the people they love.  They quit their jobs and find work that feels congruent with who they are. They choose healthier relationships.  Why?  Because they start trusting their own guts, and the awareness of what they really need arises naturally.

You all did that.  I didn’t do it for you.  I’m just here, sharing in your excitement and joy as you embrace your own wholeness.

And so, it is with excitement and deep appreciation that I return to Colorado to resume my work.  I would also like to extend my appreciation to everyone in the SE community, for making every training feel like a homecoming.

This is a reminder that I need for myself, sometimes, and I thought I would share it with all of you.  Do you have a mile-long “to do” list?  Remember, all you can do is all you can do.  It is important to listen to your body and track your own level of energy.  If you’re honestly out of oomph, take a break!

Do you beat yourself up when you do not accomplish everything you set out to do?  I know I have a tendency to do this, sometimes.  I found myself doing it a lot less once I realized that self-punishment does not lead to increased productivity.  Actually, it does quite the opposite…it saps the energy that I need to fuel my passions and accomplish my goals.

So, treat yourself gently, today.

How does recovery begin?  This is a common question asked by trauma survivors, as they begin their healing journey.  Where does one even start?  When a person’s life has been dominated by chronic, severe stress or threats of violence, it can be challenging to find one beacon of hope amidst a stormy sea.  When we experience trauma, our nervous systems can become “wired” to perceive threats around every corner.  This is adaptive.  This hyper-vigilence was warranted when the threat was imminently present.  It unfortunately leads to suffering when we cannot turn it off, even when we know, on an intellectual level, that we are in a safe space.

Have you ever been told that you are “in a safe place?”  Did you find those words comforting?  Sometimes, hearing those words can be a helpful reminder.  At the same time, our nervous systems need to be shown that we are safe, not just told.  For example, a client may not feel “safe” with a new therapist until several sessions have taken place.  It takes time to establish trust.  A wise therapist will understand this process, and be patient.  Trust is earned through consistent, non-judgemental presence…and sometimes it happens in baby steps.

Those baby steps in therapy are often accompanied by a parallel process of slow, gentle steps toward learning to trust ourselves.  Therapists, friends, partners and family can provide emotional support, but sooner or later, we have to become our own primary caregivers.  So, how do we show (not just tell) ourselves that we are in a safe space?

Try this experiment:  next time you are at home, check out the space around you. Notice your emotional reaction to the colors, the sounds, the textures and scents.  Notice if you feel relaxation in the presence of some stimuli, moreso than others. Do you like soft fabric?  The color of your flowers?  The sound of coffee brewing? What is your favorite type of music?  When was the last time you allowed yourself  to listen to a piece of music that you really enjoy, without doing anything else at the same time? We live in a world where we are so constantly bombarded with stimuli that we rarely enjoy one thing for its own sake.

You may have objects of personal significance.  Do you have images of people who are safe and supportive?  Perhaps your most comforting images are pets, or spiritual figures.  Do you look at them frequently, or just pass them by?  Are they prominently displayed?  If not, have you thought about moving them to a more centralized location?

What are some things you can do to make your environment more soothing, and conducive to healing? Think of just one.  It may be something as simple as getting softer light bulbs or keeping the curtains open. Notice how you feel after taking that one step.

When we take care of something, this gives our subconscious mind a message that this something (or someone) is worthy of care.  When we take the time to create a nurturing environment, and really enjoy that environment, we can slowly start to believe we are worthy of nurturence.  Slowly, we can begin the process of relaxing into a sense of safety.

I’d like to offer an announcement for my fellow mental health workers.  The Somatic Experiencing Trauma Institute is doing another round of trainings…and the first one’s free:

SE Intro Flyer_Boulder, CO_July 19, 2014 (Bruce Gottlieb)

It will be at the Reynolds Branch of the Boulder Public Library on July 19th, from 10:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m.

I highly recommend these intro trainings for healing professionals who have always been curious about SE, and would like to get their feet wet.  Bruce is a highly knowledgeable and engaging presenter, with 40 years of experience in counseling.  Warning: there’s a chance that this first presentation might get you hooked on SE.

I’m hooked because SE allows clients to make dramatic progress in a short period of time.  It supports emotional equilibrium from the ground up, and is immensely helpful for clients who struggle with dissociation or self-harm.  Since it’s such a gentle method, clients can work with complex trauma at their own pace without getting overwhelmed.

I encourage everyone to check it out for themselves.  Also, stay tuned for more announcements about trainings.  We’ll have opportunities for full-day “Fundamentals” classes, in addition to the full training, starting in December!