Over the last couple of weeks, I have spent considerable time musing over the UC Santa Barbara shootings. While grieving the tragedy of the lives lost, I have found myself confronting the implications of living in the society that influenced Elliot Rodger. While his actions cannot be excused, it is useful to view them within a larger cultural context. His heinous acts are symptoms of a systemic disease, which has been festering for a long time.
Like many feminist bloggers, who have observed Rodgers’ circle of influence, I have been disturbed by the violent misogyny that is rampant in his online networks. So-called “Men’s Rights” organizations are not hard to find, and it appears that they are getting increasingly vocal.
It is important to differentiate “Men’s Rights” groups from constructive and helpful Men’s movements. There are those who explore issues facing men in our modern society and work toward making the world a safer place for all forms of gender expression (for more information on that, the Good Men Project is a good place to start). However, groups who operate under the label of “men’s rights” tend to be nothing more than hate groups, something that is becoming painfully obvious in the wake of the recent shootings.
Such groups grow by targeting men who feel lonely, angry and socially isolated. They quickly convince these men that women are the enemy, and that violence is justified. Of course, very few of these men will go on mass killing sprees, but there are some who entertain fantasies of doing so. The others may commit less visible acts of violence, such as date rape that goes unreported. They will go home to their Reddit accounts and receive emphatic support for their actions, while their victim suffers in shame and silence.
And why the silence? I have found that many rape survivors are very dismissive of their experience. Quite often, there is resistance toward exploring their trauma in therapy, not only because the memories are overwhelming, but because they believe their experience is not valid. Perhaps alcohol was involved, so the client believes the experience was partially hir fault. It may be that the client initially said “yes”, but then had a felt sense that something was wrong. They told their partner to stop, but they refused. Perhaps no physical force was involved, but there was emotional manipulation, verbal abuse or incessant guilt-tripping which led to eventual participation in an unwanted sexual act. Clients in these circumstances can show up with the same PTSD symptoms as those who were physically forced. They often hide those symptoms for years, telling themselves that the experience was not a “real” rape, while their body bears the burden of a real violation.
Despite over 100 years of feminism, there are still plenty of people out there who believe men are entitled to women’s bodies. Our toxic views of masculinity exacerbate the situation. If a man is not having sex, he is seen as unmanly. If a woman refuses his sexual advances, it is seen as a slight to his manhood. This puts pressure on women to help a man prove his manhood (which, in our culture, can be equated to his worth as a human being). When he shames her for denying him, she may feel that she is a bad person. If she agrees to sex, knowing that the only alternative involves being a “bad person”, then how is this consensual? Her partner is only offering her the illusion of a choice…and his internet friends believe she deserves no better.
This is a time to examine our cultural assumptions and seriously consider how we might challenge them. When was the last time you heard a man get mocked for not getting laid? Such jokes are so common that we do not question them. Let’s take a serious look at what that means. Mocking abstinence as unmanly turns rape into a manly act. There are men out there who have remained virgins because they respected women’s boundaries. They are currently being shamed for this…perhaps not directly, but by subtle cultural messages about what it means to “be a man.” That’s pretty terrifying, if you stop to think about it.
When we tie sexual prowess to our definition of manhood, we are reinforcing rape culture. I am grateful that there are some men’s groups which support a different view of masculinity…one that involves respect, integrity and personal responsibility.