This was a beautiful and touching article about a man supporting his wife as she recovered from sexual assault. Trigger alert: the depictions of her rape and resulting injuries are graphic, so you may want to check in with yourself before clicking the link. It’s worth reading if you’re in the right space for it. The tenderness and compassion that he feels for her are downright inspiring:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/cc-how-men-an-support-women-post-sexual-abuse/
Here is some good advice the article gives, for partners of survivors:
1. Most importantly believe her, never question her when she says she’s been assaulted.
2. Ensure she gets medical care immediately and offer to stay with her.
3. Although it’s a normal reaction to want to hurt those who hurt her keep that to yourself. She’s been violently assaulted and does not need to see you wanting to be violent.
4. Advocate for her. Keep non-essential people away in the initial crisis.
5. Understand the police are doing their job but make sure it’s not detrimental to your partner either.
6. Help her regain control. If she doesn’t want police involvement that’s her choice not yours.
7. Don’t withhold physical affection but give her the choice as to whether or not she wants it.
8. Reassure her constantly that you love her and that it is NOT her fault.
9. Never pressure her to resume sexual activity and when you do find ways to help her relax. Never take rejection personally and make it easy for her to say no.
10. Look after yourself and your stress levels. (For example, the author states that he found running and working out in the gym helpful.)
11. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone you are comfortable with about everything.
12. Communicate with your partner and do whatever you can to maintain her trust.
13. Learn and understand as much as you can about rape and its effects.
This is all excellent advice that I would give to any couple who came to me, if one of the partners was a survivor of sexual assault. I also want to add that relationship counseling can be immensely helpful in these circumstances, in addition to individual trauma therapy.
Here’s to all the men out there who are strong enough to be patient and kind. You are true warriors.